New Balance (new_balance) wrote,
New Balance

Living in Denial

This morning I woke up at 5am.. don't know why but i've been an early bird as of recent. After surfing the net and thinking about what i could be doing that was productive.. i picked up my copy of dr. phil's weight solution book.. I started reading the book early last fall-- made it to about chapter 3 and stopped reading. Even though i didn't complete the book and had stopped reading it i told people that i was in dr. phil's "booty camp". I wish that i had kept reading the book because the chapter from where i left off helps me understand my weight control problem so much more.

The truth of the matter is that i have always been fat. Except for a brief period of time between the ages of 16-21, otherwise I had always been referred to as husky or overweight. My late year's high school were some of the most productive time in my life... i seemed to have it together.. i basically did what i wanted to do and didn't worry about other people.. in the process i lost a lot of weight by spending endless hours at the high school track and denying myself to eatting anything after 6pm... When I started Tuskegee University in 1994, I was slim but soon gained weight when in the first 3 months. My response to that was to stop eatting and that got the weight off but it was unhealthy so i enrolled in a exercise classes and often jogged around campus in the mornings. The story changed when I got to graduate school here at UW.. After becoming a Christian in 1998 my reason to stay slim which was mainly to look hot in the gay scene no longer existed.. so i somehow began the habitat of overeating which has seen caught up with me.

Being a Christian I don't give much conscious thought to the fact that I am fat. I am never really ridiculed for it, never feel left out because of it, and never really had self-esteem issues with it since after all the focus as a Christian isn't yourself. Inside I knew that I am fat and not as attractive as I could be, so I adjusted my attitude to be all bluster and laughs, a much easier task than changing the way I live my life. Externally I give the appearance that i live a healthy life.. i buy reduced fat products have memberships at two separate gyms and sign up for 1/2 marathons that I don't actually complete while at the same time i sneak food at night and pickup donuts on my way home from church.. Why?

The last couple of years of life all kind of seem like a blur the years in graduate school have been adding up and the pounds on the scale also have been adding up also. It's funny how the mind works-- I constantly buy bigger clothes without really questioning it. I seemed to have myself convinced that I needed the bigger clothes because I am a growing boy and afterall i workout so the extra room is for the muscles, mind you I'm in my late 20's, my growing should have been long done. Lately I feel like my waist has expanded and mind narrowed. Denial and blindness has prevented me from taking actions. I've started to unconsciously avoid the camera, wear layers of clothes--sweater vest are my favorite and buying jackets too big for me in an effort to make myself look smaller. Reality is that I need to wake up and stop impuluse eating and paying attention to what i'm doing.. I have a friends that has called me out on impulsive eating .. when he sees me doing it-he asks do you know that you are eating and what you are eating.. most of the time i didn't even realize that I was eating.
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